I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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