There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
