She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
