The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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