I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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