I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
