Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
