clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
