I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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