Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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