I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
