Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
