what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
