did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
