Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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