I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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