we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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