It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I want to fling myself into the sun
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
