How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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