I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
