When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
