It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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