Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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