My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
