There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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