I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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