He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
