thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
