im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
