Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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