I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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