Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
