I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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