dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
