woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
