You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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