Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
