I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
