This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
