Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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