I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
