I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
