I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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