Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
last night I used snow as a chaser
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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