it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
