So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
only you would photoshop your dick
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
