So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
