Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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