can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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