I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
